by Pam Aronow on April 15, 2009
Adam
Our youngest child, Adam is 2 1/2 years old. He is an extremely talkative and bright little boy. Ian has not particularly enjoyed having Adam around since…well, since Adam was born basically. A noisy, unpredictable infant morphing into an even noiser, more unpredictable toddler is enough to rock Ian’s particular world!! Adam is no longer a baby, but when Ian doesn’t want him around, he will say, “Pick you up baby!” This is Ian’s way of saying, “pick up that kid and get him outta here!” Prior to verbalizing his wishes to have Adam removed, Ian would usually resort to pushing him, sitting on him or knocking him over. Adam is getting big enough to fight back and/or at least shout back, so Ian has learned to refrain from the physical stuff. So that’s good news.
The beauty of little ones is they just don’t seem to hold a grudge. Adam has had his fair share of rough stuff from his older brother. Not to mention getting toys taken away and having his overtures of play and interaction for the most part ignored by Ian. It is easy to assume that Adam would be “upset” that his older brother doesn’t respond to him or want to play and in general makes it clear he doesn’t want his little brother around. But, to Adam, this is just Ian and he appears to take it personally only for a few minutes and then moves on. He’s already living the Son-Rise attitude of love and acceptance.
This couldn’t have appeared more true the other night when Adam was eating dinner at the kitchen table. Ian sat on the other end of the table watching a video on my laptop. Ian was enjoying the video so much he was flapping his hands in excitement and making little squeaks of delight. Adam noticed and watched for a moment and then said to Stan and I, in the sweetest tone, “Aw, Ian’s so cute. I love Ian!”
What else is there to say after that? This little guy really gets it. I wiped a tear away after that one…..
Love,
Pam
by Pam Aronow on April 14, 2009
It’s so easy to lament over how difficult it is to manage life at home with an autistic child that doesn’t speak much (except to ask for basic needs and wants), knocks over his little brother, floods the bathroom, eats soap and lotion, and head butts and bites us in agitation, to name a few. But when I relax over all of that stuff and allow my mind to turn to the beauty of Ian, I find so many things for which I am grateful.
- Since Ian came into my life, I have learned to ask for help. This was not something I easily did before he came along. I was going to be the perfect stay-at-home mom that did it all. I felt that I should be able to do it alone and thought that I was just being whiny and weak if I asked for help. Help became crucial to our survival, especially when Adam came along. Caring for a newborn around the clock, left me unable to give Ian the constant one-on-one care he needed for safety and comfort. Asking for help isn’t a weak or bad thing to me anymore. Thanks Ian. Asking for help leads me to the next thing I am grateful for from this journey with Ian:
- I’ve forged some wonderful new connections with the very people who have stepped in to help our family, whether it be babysitting, being part of Ian’s Son-Rise program or just listening to me vent. Students, stay-at-home moms, grandparents, busy professionals, varying in age from 18 to 70, have walked into our lives and joined us on this Son-Rise journey with Ian. I really get the saying “It takes a village to raise a child,” now. We’ve created a little village all for Ian and in doing so forged deep and meaningful relationships with individuals from all walks of life. I used to think people wouldn’t want to help us. I’m glad to say I was wrong. The world is filled with amazing, energetic people wanting to help. Thanks again, Ian for helping me discover that!
- I’ve also learned to let go– let go of expectation, judgment, fear, control. I don’t always get it every time. But I’m getting better. Ian is in his own world and marches to the beat of his own drum. I’ve struggled in the past to try to coerce or make him be a certain way– behave better, not stim with objects constantly, listen to me, cooperate and get in the darn bathtub– the list goes on. The more I’ve pushed, the less Ian cooperates with me and the further he actually goes away from me. Letting go feels so much better– accepting him, understanding he is doing the very best he can. I let go of NEEDING Ian to be better in order to be happy. I still WANT Ian to improve, but I am in a place where I don’t need it. I can be content no matter how much or little Ian improves. I believe it is no coincidence that Ian has improved the most under our accepting and loving attitudes. It is our very attitude of unconditional love and acceptance that has provided Ian that space to be all that he can be. Wow, thanks again Ian. You have been a catalyst for amazing and profound change in me.
There is more to be grateful for when it comes to having Ian in my life and the way he has inspired me to be a better person, but for now I leave you with the above reflections. Thanks for reading!
Love, Pam
